Everyody Always 3...a strong girl
Every night as she goes to bed I give my daughter her "speech." "You're a good girl, a brave girl, a strong girl, a wise and virtuous girl, you are a beautiful girl and a beloved girl, an obedient girl and a kind girl. Princess with a sword." Every night I tell my son that I love him, that I am proud of him, and that he is a good kid. There are days I don't feel like telling my daughter that she has been obedient or good. There are days when she hasn't been brave but I tell her these things anyway. There are days when it feels dishonest to say that he has been a good kid or that I am proud of how he handled himself in some circumstance that day but I am proud of him. Those days when I am frustrated I have to remember that as much as he does. My hope and expectation in doing this is that my kids will make decisions to act in the ways they have come to think of themselves.
Even with this practice I am very prone to micromanage my kids. I have been trying to tell them who they are or who they can be. I try to ask them who they think they are or who they want to be. More and more, I am trying to let them choose their actions while reminding them "who they are." I want them to develop into individuals who can make good decisions for themselves-independent of my presence or nagging. It is hard. I want to micromanage. It just seems more direct and easier for everyone. It is just bad parenting though.
In chapter 4 (The Yellow Truck) Everybody Always covers that same thought. "Instead of telling people what they want, we need to tell them who they are" (31). This is important advice for anyone who wants to help someone to step into a better life whether as a parent, guardian, mentor, friend, boss, teacher, or pastor and there is a lot that can be said about that. It was, though, the insight about how we tend to talk about God that caught my attention.
Not only do I have a tendency to tell my children what I think they should do but this chapter accuses me of telling others what God wants them to do. (Actually Goff does not say this as an accusation but I choose to take it that way. It is something I need to give attention to.) This does not encourage the healthiest development. There is a strong strand in the Bible that tells people who they are and then guides them into that identity and life. When I suggest to people that their relationship with God is something like a "to-do list" it damages their faith development. "After long enough, what looks like faith isn't really faith anymore. It's compliance. The problem with mere compliance is it turns us into actors" (31)..."we risk having approval become more important than Jesus' love" (32).
There are instructions that I will need to give to my children but, in my case, I don't think there is much danger that I will give them too few instructions. I am not going to beat myself up or worry too much about instruction. What I am going to continue to do is to try to rely less on instructions and more on identity. It does follow a biblical pattern that we can see in, say, the covenant relationship that God calls his people into. (The commandments follow the giving of identity and vocation and serve that rather than the other way around.) I do not want to encourage approval-seeking or compliance. I want to encourage obedience and faith exercised by motivated children of God. This is true of my relationship with my children and in how I relate to anyone I speak to about God's calling to them to be children of His Kingdom.
(The song No Longer Slaves expresses this identity as a child of God very well.)
This is part of my effort at digesting resources.
Even with this practice I am very prone to micromanage my kids. I have been trying to tell them who they are or who they can be. I try to ask them who they think they are or who they want to be. More and more, I am trying to let them choose their actions while reminding them "who they are." I want them to develop into individuals who can make good decisions for themselves-independent of my presence or nagging. It is hard. I want to micromanage. It just seems more direct and easier for everyone. It is just bad parenting though.
In chapter 4 (The Yellow Truck) Everybody Always covers that same thought. "Instead of telling people what they want, we need to tell them who they are" (31). This is important advice for anyone who wants to help someone to step into a better life whether as a parent, guardian, mentor, friend, boss, teacher, or pastor and there is a lot that can be said about that. It was, though, the insight about how we tend to talk about God that caught my attention.
Not only do I have a tendency to tell my children what I think they should do but this chapter accuses me of telling others what God wants them to do. (Actually Goff does not say this as an accusation but I choose to take it that way. It is something I need to give attention to.) This does not encourage the healthiest development. There is a strong strand in the Bible that tells people who they are and then guides them into that identity and life. When I suggest to people that their relationship with God is something like a "to-do list" it damages their faith development. "After long enough, what looks like faith isn't really faith anymore. It's compliance. The problem with mere compliance is it turns us into actors" (31)..."we risk having approval become more important than Jesus' love" (32).
There are instructions that I will need to give to my children but, in my case, I don't think there is much danger that I will give them too few instructions. I am not going to beat myself up or worry too much about instruction. What I am going to continue to do is to try to rely less on instructions and more on identity. It does follow a biblical pattern that we can see in, say, the covenant relationship that God calls his people into. (The commandments follow the giving of identity and vocation and serve that rather than the other way around.) I do not want to encourage approval-seeking or compliance. I want to encourage obedience and faith exercised by motivated children of God. This is true of my relationship with my children and in how I relate to anyone I speak to about God's calling to them to be children of His Kingdom.
(The song No Longer Slaves expresses this identity as a child of God very well.)
This is part of my effort at digesting resources.
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